Just why am I so paranoid?!?!?

I have a horrible ex. I like to call him "Douche-bag". It's a moniker that one of my sisters came up with and I liked it so much, it stuck. He is, unfortunately, the father of my daughter, G. When we were together I thought it would be a great idea to give G his last name. I hate to say it, but it wasn't my first bad decision when it came to him. Because of some legal issues, that I will discuss at a later time, I have not applied for full custody. I took him to court for child support, and the state recognizes me as the "legal custodial guardian" but I really have no idea what that means. G has been asking to go to school for two years, but I just can't do it! Reason number one: preschools need a custody agreement on file, I don't have one. Reason number two: without said custody agreement, Douche-bag could pick up G because he is listed on the birth certificate as the "father" (what a joke). Reason number three: until a custody agreement is reached (which will basically take away any "rights" he has) there is no way in HELL she is out of my hands or in a place that I have not personally deemed safe.

Since I threw him out of our lives, I have lived in constant fear of him. I obsessively think that he is parked in my backyard, beyond the property wall, with a long range rifle aimed at the back of my head. I can't walk past the front door of my house without wondering if he is in the street in front of my house with a gun, and will shoot me as I walk to my bedroom. I worry that he is in every car, truck, or van on the road in which I can't see the driver. Today, I totally thought he was in the van next to me, and I told myself, "if they don't turn down this road I won't worry", but they did. I, of course, told my daughter's "teacher" (it's day care) about my little freak out, and she was very understanding. Honestly, I don't know if it was him, but most likely not. My family thinks I'm nuts. (I mean really they are not far off, see previous entry.) 

Let me also say that Douche-bag has never ever laid a single hand on me. He scared the shit out of me when I was pregnant, but never PHYSICALLY touched me. So why am I so afraid? Let me tell you. Douche-bag is a sociopath. I don't really use that term loosely. Here are the criteria of a sociopath.

• Glibness and Superficial Charm
• Manipulative and Conning: They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. 
• Grandiose Sense of Self: Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
• Pathological Lying: Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
• Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt: A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
• Shallow Emotions: When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
• Incapacity for Love
• Need for Stimulation: Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
• Callousness/Lack of Empathy: Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
• Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature: Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
• Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency: Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
• Irresponsibility/Unreliability: Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
• Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity: Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
• Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle: Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
• Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility: Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Now that being said, he fits all those criteria except one. He has told me on multiple occasions that he would break into peoples homes because he deserved to have those items, even though he did not earn them. He constantly lied about where he was going, who with, even the littlest things he would lie about and I was dumbfounded, like "did you really just lie about picking up the mail?" At one point in time he convinced me that we were going to buy a boat, a really big boat, and live on the boat just sailing from harbor to harbor. (Yeah I know!) He was never able to maintain a job. Every few weeks he would get fired, and of course it was never his fault. He is a drug addict. He has been in and out of jail numerous times, of course making friends with every criminal he could possibly meet while locked up.

In my previous profession as a psychiatric case manager (under paid social worker), I had a person on my case load that is a sociopath. On my case load of about 30-40, majority of them had some form of schizophrenia, severe depression, were in and out of the state hospital, and the only one that scared me the slightest bit was that one sociopath. There is no conscious inside, it is literally like looking into nothing! (You think that I would have noticed this in my "true love" but no.) 

So do I think my paranoia is a bit much? Probably. I mean I don't think he would even try to kidnap G because taking care of her is too much responsibility for him to handle. However, do I think he would do it because he knows it would kill me inside? HELL YES!!! 

Next time: Why not Pink with a touch of Blue? Well thanks for asking!!