This is the second time that one of my cousins has invited me to write down my feelings. Get things out, feel cathartic, blah blah blah. So I'm giving it a try. Since this is my first blog, it's most likely going to be long. You know introduce you to my chaotic life, get you interested in my daily goings on. So let's get on with it.
I am originally from Staten Island, New York, and, yes, a Yankee fan. I have lived in various parts of "metropolitan" Phoenix, Arizona since 1988. I graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology, worked "in the field" for a while. I loved that time of my life. Currently, I live with my parents, my sister, my niece and her daughter, as well as my 4 year old daughter. It truly is a "Full House".
When I was around 24 years old, my doctor diagnosed me with "Intermittent Explosive Anger Disorder". At that time it gave me an answer as to why I was angry all the time, why I wanted to hurt anyone that got too close to me, why I punched walls, cut, hit myself whenever I got too angry. I can not explain how much weight was taken off my shoulders at that point. I always felt like I was off somehow, that there was something wrong with me, but I just couldn't express what that was. Getting a diagnosis felt like finally being validated. I've been on medication since then, and although throughout school I was very opinionated against medication, I have come to realize that I will not live without medication. I have tried on two separate occasions to come off my medication and live a "normal life" and subsequently attempted to kill myself both times. Thank God I'm bad at killing myself! Since the last time, I have decided that this is my life now and "normal" is relative. I am normal on my medication.
Fast forward to the last four years. After I had my daughter, I noticed that I would sweat a lot. I know that old adage, "women don't sweat, we perspire". Umm, no I sweat. And I'm not talking a dainty little back sweat from running at the gym, or the under the boob sweat, although that happens too, I am talking huge droplets of sweat beading from my forehead and chin, rolling down my cheeks, just ridiculous amounts of sweat. Nothing like having to dab your forehead in 55 degree weather (that's what our winters are like). So I occasionally complain to my Primary Care Physician (PCP) and nothing really happens, until he finally sends me to an endocrinologist. From here things start to get interesting. Lots of blood work. Like every few weeks. I don't mind though. I'm a blood donor so the needles don't bother me. Along with the blood work, there are other tests, MRIs, ultrasounds, there was even one breast exam, that I'm kind of thinking shouldn't have been done, but whatever, it happened. Then the Endo asks me if I would stop taking my birth control for a month or so, then undergo the same labs and tests to see if there is any change in my hormones, At this point, I am game for anything. So I did that and my "Aunt" didn't show for almost 4 months. I go back to the Endo and explain that I don't really like not having my "Aunt" for that long and are the tests over, can I go back on my birth control? He tells me that I can go back on them, my test results show that I have no abnormal growth on my thyroid or pituitary glands, but that my hormone levels are abnormal enough for concern. This is when the words "poly-cystic ovaries" start getting tossed around very nonchalant. "Doc" gives me a prescription for Metformin, but no one explains why I am being started on it, or what poly-cystic ovaries are. On my way home I dropped off the script, hoping to discuss my concerns with the pharmacist. **Quick side note: the pharmacy staff at my particular CVS are so frigging awesome. They are so on the ball with absolutely everything and anything that I may have concerns about.** Anyway, I digress, so as soon as I get home I'm a nervous wreck thinking I need to call my Gyno, and let him know what is going on, and heck maybe he'll have some info for me. When his nurse finally calls me back, she says it's not necessary for me to come in for a visit, but they know about PCOS (that is this things name Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). I posted about it on facebook, and thankfully one of my friends has it too, and sort of directed me to books I can read about having this "syndrome". If you are keeping track, that is now one disorder and one syndrome, yay me! So I pick up my bottle of Metformin, and when I go to take it the first night, something felt off. It's hard to explain, it was like something inside me knew not to start this medication, but what was I going to do. So I took it. The next day I have a migraine (I have a variety of other conditions, but I don't want to bombard you with them all at one time) from hell. I treat it like a normal migraine but I notice that it is focused in the back of my head rather than the front, where they typically are. Oh, well, it's time to take the second days dosage of Metformin, and again that little voice is telling me not to take it (it's the subconscious, not a real voice, I haven't being diagnosed with schizophrenia). Against my better judgement, I take it. About an hour later, I notice that my lower lip is starting to swell a little. I think that maybe I bite my lip or something, nothing to worry about. The next morning, I look like I lost a fight! No black eyes, mind you, but one heck of a swollen lip!! I went ahead and decided that I was taking myself off the Metformin. When Doc was finally able to get me back into the office, we decided that I am allergic to Metformin (hmmm, ya think) and he was going to put me on a Beta Blocker to lower my blood pressure. I have been on this Beta Blocker now for about 3 weeks and I notice that day by day I get a little more lackadaisical, a little more paranoid (that's a story for another day's blog), and a little more blah. I don't know how to explain it. I'm not sad or depressed, at least I don't feel that way, I'm just blah. I really hope this blah-ness goes away because I just don't feel like me, and I've gotten used to feeling like I should, and don't like feeling any other way.
Anyway, this is what I'm about. I live in a crazy household of way too many people, I have entirely too many problems with my body in general, and my personal life is in disarray.
Welcome to Blue with a touch of Pink
Next time: Just why am I so paranoid?!?!?
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