"Treat others as you wish to be treated." Lord, knows I have tried, but how do you treat them when they have wronged you? Do you "turn the other cheek" or is it "an eye for an eye"? As the years have passed, I have grown as a human being. I used to take pride in being known as a "Bitch". I can't tell you how many people I have mistreated in my life. I have been able to apologize to some and have made complete amends with them so that they can call me a good person now. Others have not been so fortunate.
I can blame my anger, but it really isn't an excuse. Some things that I have done to people are inexcusable. I remember an ex-boyfriend that I was dating. I had broken up with him because he was a "pansy" and I told him that I didn't want to date someone who wasn't a man! He begged me to take him back, and I did. The second I got the chance I screamed at him to cook me something to eat and then broke up with him because he did. Not my finest moment in life, I'm sure. Sometimes when we are young, we do things to people not thinking of the repercussions it will have in their life.
There was a girl that was the first person to befriend me in Arizona. For years I made her life a living hell. I made her feel stupid and ugly, I wanted her to feel like I felt. Once I was on medication, I realized how cruel I was to her. Although it was difficult, I apologized to her. I told her that I had no right to make her feel the way I did. I explained that I hated myself and she was an easy target because she was so "innocent". I was her bully, and she was my friend. How deranged is that? She was able to forgive me because that's just the kind of person she is. Deep down she knew what I was doing and saying to her were things I wanted to say to myself. She is my best friend now, and I can not imagine ever saying another cruel word to her.
I think that if I was honest with myself when I was younger, and truthful with the therapists I saw, that I would never have had the chance to say and do those things to her or anyone else. Whenever I hear about someone thinking about going into counseling or seeing a psychiatrist, I tell them to be honest. If you really want any kind of positive outcome from therapy, it is imperative that you are honest. I was always afraid that if I told someone what was going on in my head that they would put me in a padded room. The first time I was truly honest with anyone was my PCP. I told him how angry and depressed I was. How I hit myself with my hairbrush in the privacy of my bathroom! How I would cut on myself because it meant I was actually feeling a real emotion, pain! How I would sneak beers into the bathroom so I could get drunk in the shower! I cried, I was so ashamed, and he asked me if I wanted to go inpatient!
Here was my greatest fear! He was going to put me into one of the same hospitals that many of clients were in and out of. I knew what the hospitals were like, but I didn't want to go there anyway. What about work? What would I tell my family? What would my co-workers think? I said no. He asked me if I could be safe until I saw a therapist and a doctor for treatment, and I knew I honestly could. He let me go home with the promise that I would seek treatment, and I did. All the fear that I had built up in my head was for nothing. I got the treatment that I needed in a safe and comfortable environment, on my terms.
My illness is not something that can be fixed with a band-aid and left to heal on it's own. It is something that I am reminded of daily when I take my medication. Every once in a long while, I think about driving off the road and just getting lost, but I know that I am not alone in life anymore. My daughter needs me, and I need her. She is never going to think that she was a mistake or a burden to me because I live for her. She gets mad at me and tells me that she doesn't love me, but that's ok because I know she doesn't mean it, she is 4 after all. After 10 minutes she is back to giving me hugs and telling me I'm the "best mom EVER"! So I guess to sum it all up is a saying "living well is the best revenge", but in my case I just say "living is the best".
Next time: When you're alone, what happens?
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