When you're alone, what happens?

I happen to love the show Doctor Who. I have even tried to watch some of the pre-80s version of the show, but it doesn't have the pull for me like the revamped stuff they show now. Anyway, if you don't watch it, they have a Christmas Special every year. Last year they did a sort of Doctor Who meets Mr. Scrooge theme. That show was absolutely fabulous!! There was a song that was sung, Abigail's Song, that is just beautiful! That link takes you to a video of the song that has the lyrics included. The first line of the song states "When you're alone, silence is all you know".

Sometimes I really enjoy the silence, but it is never truly silent. As soon as the television is off, and G is sleeping, I hear the hum of the fish tank. That is when the thoughts come. What am I going to wear tomorrow? Is G going to be in a pleasant mood tomorrow? What is she going to wear tomorrow? What am I doing tomorrow? What time do I have to be awake? Why aren't I asleep yet? What's that noise? Is G snoring? I wonder if I could sneak outside for a quick cig? I'm so tired! Why am I still awake? Then I start bargaining with myself. Ok if I'm still awake in 10 minutes I'll take a benadryl. Maybe I should start drinking a glass of wine before bed. I'll count my breathing until I pass out. Is there a battery in my clock? I need to replace the battery so tomorrow night I can count the ticks and go to sleep. Why am I still awake? God, can that fish tank hum any louder? Who is doing laundry in the middle of the night? Why are the lights on my DVD player so damn bright? Did I just inhale my own hair up my nose? Why is there so much hair in the bed? 

Needless to say, I am haunted by the evil ghost of insomnia! I have had this trouble since high school. I get to many thoughts going and I'm up all night. Some nights aren't as bad as others, but on the rare nights I'm sitting in my closet resorting cloths. So much for Ambien! When I first stated Ambien, the dose was too low, so my doctor uped it to 10mg. I can't tell you much about how that worked because there was a lot of sleep walking and chatting online with friends and I don't have a single memory of it. Except for the chats that I would find on my computer the next morning. My subconscious is pretty funny when I'm not in control. So now I'm back to the lower dose with benadryl for the bad nights.

I remember when I first complained about insomnia, my doctor put me on Trazodone. The dreams are so vivid! It was like a movie that I was in and could control. However, the second night I was on it, I woke in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I spent an hour staring at the walls of the bathroom grow fur and start breathing. That was the end of that medication.

What I wouldn't give for a peaceful night of solid rest! Eight straight glorious hours would be wonderful. Except for that little person next to me that occasionally snores, or wakes up in the night to use the bathroom, and has to turn on every single light on in the room. I can't sleep with ear plugs or an eye mask. I just have to live this way hoping that one night I can sleep the kind of sleep that Shakespeare wrote about, as long as it wasn't death he was writing about. Always hard to tell with those old time writers.

Next time: I've got to get out sometimes!