I've got to get out sometimes!

Paranoia can just play some nasty tricks on your head. It can make you hear sounds that aren't there. Think there are people watching you that aren't there. It can make you fearful to leave your place of comfort. For me it was a gradual feeling that slowly started to consume my thoughts. It very slowly became that I could only go shopping, but then I started to get anxious about doing that too. I wasn't agoraphobic, but I was on my way to becoming that way. When my friends started to notice that I started declining their invitations to go out, they became more concerned. I only felt like I had a few places where I could feel safe. Those places are J's house, S's house, the grocery store I go to, and my bedroom (not my house, my bedroom). I know my family gets very concerned about my living environment, because it looks like total chaos, but for me, it's my belongings surrounding me and making me feel safe. It's one of those hard to explain things.

Around 4 months ago, I would try to leave the house more often with my sister and some of my friends. I was trying to get my comfort level back. Then I started going out with my niece and her friends, who really are much too young for me to be hanging out with but they are people. That lasted for a good few months. Then I just sort of stopped again. I know exactly why I stopped and it is the stupidest reason in the world, but it got me back into my funk and out of the world.

This "guy" that I was "friends" with for about 2 years had started to show an interest in me. We would talk on the phone Monday through Friday, texting, talking, whatever, and when the weekend would come, I'd try to make plans to meet up with him somewhere. I'd go out anyway with D and her friends, hoping that eventually he would show up. He never did! I would then go all day Saturday not talking to him, until he would finally text on Sunday night. I'd forgive him for being whatever (DUMB) and then we'd go back to talking texting whatever all week. . . until Friday night. The same thing happened again! We went to the club, he made some excuse why he couldn't go, or was so drunk already that I couldn't understand him. I'd get mad, not talk to him all day Saturday, then he would text me on Sunday, and the shit would start all over again.

Eventually, we made plans to go on a road trip to California, but I was thinking "is this really something I want to do with this guy? He's so unreliable". About two weeks before the trip, we found out that the event that we were going to got cancelled. It was a way out for me and I took it. He texted me a few times "why am I avoiding him? I'm being shady now that the event got cancelled" blah blah blah! My thing is why do I have to be the carpet you wipe your shitty boots on? During the week, I would listen to him complain about his former job, then gloat about the new job he got. He would talk about things about doors, I had no idea was he was talking about, but I gave him my ear. He always wanted to come over for dinner and a movie night, on his terms! If any part of it deviated from his plans, he would bail out. He never listened to me, and if he did, it gave him an in to berate me. That I'm "only a stay at home mom". And since I'm "home all day" I had plenty of time to look stuff up for him on the internet.

All I wanted was someone to stand next to me while I'm drinking, or accompany me outside when I smoke, maybe keep me safe from creepers and stalkers. I didn't think my requirements for him were that tough, but when the world revolves around THAT other person you're just one of thousands of satellites rotating around him too. I didn't want to be a floating satellite anymore. I'm worth more that that. And if I can ever leave my house again, maybe someone would take notice of me.

Next time:Cleanliness next to Godliness?? Not in my room!