I didn't fall off the planet

I checked out last month. Way too much stuff to do! I started receiving child support checks from Douche-bag at the end of November and they have, thankfully, been coming on a semi-regular basis. This has me a bit concerned because will Douche-bag think he has some "right" to see his daughter now that he pays for her? More court paperwork to file! Then there was Christmas Eve, Christmas, and New Year's. A whole lot of crazy! G also started playing soccer, so I'm the assistant coach to a bunch of energetic 4-5 year olds.

Speaking of court paperwork, I finally received word back from the Commissioner about dismissing my guilty verdict. Denied. It's really depressing because about a week before I got the letter, I had an offer for a job that would have pretty much overlooked my conviction, but it was doing work that doesn't interest me. It was a stupid decision, but I really thought that they would dismiss the charge so I could go back to school and get in to the Nursing Program. I had a plan and the whole thing blew up in my face! It's a real blow to the self esteem when you can't do what you want to do in life. 

How much would my life had been different if I never met Douch-bag? That is what has been going through my head since the day I got the letter. Would I still be living at M's with my dog, Louie? Living a single girl lifestyle of constant partying? Would I be married by now? Would Gia still have been born? I can't imagine waking up without her.

And I'm lonely. I used to have a group of guy friends (My Boys) that I went out with every week. I never expected any of them to buy me drinks, they were there for fun conversation and to keep the creeps away. I miss that. I don't have a guy friend to go hang out with at a bar or club. Going out with the girls is ok, but I feel like I have nothing to add to the conversation.  I had a guy friend, but there was something wrong with the communication and that just didn't work out well.

So now I find myself desperately trying to get out of bed. Not wanting to go to bed at night. Dragging myself through the day as best as I can. I feel like there is no one I can talk to because what kind of feedback am I gonna get? They don't understand my situation, but they feel for me, "injustice" is often said. Again it makes me wonder if I'm still being punished. I just don't know how I'm gonna provide for G. Even if I make the decision to go back to school to study something else, is my past going to continue to haunt me?